Who killed Chivalry? And why would anyone do that?

We know, we know. We’re WAY behind on posting. We apologize for withholding information and wisdom from you (cough cough Daniel Voss cough). And we deeply regret any mishap and inconvenience caused by our delay.

Now that the niceties are out of the way, you need to know that this post is about communication. And miscommunication. And about the way guys and dolls think differently. It’s pretty fantastic how God wired us. It’s also pretty troublesome sometimes. College is the place where you learn to communicate with people that are different from you. Like guys, for example. These are just examples that we or people we know have experienced recently. More examples are sure to come I’m sure. But until then, these are our first 10 Miscommunication Conversation/Relationship Downers. (Yes, I did say first top ten. Prepare thyself for a sequel.)

1. We really appreciate it when you tell us that we’re pretty, but… Unless the heat index is 187 degrees outside (Fahrenheit or Celsius), do not use the adjective “hot” in front of a lady’s name. If you are a lady, we are pretty convinced that this applies to fellas too. Aside from the typical “you should care about what’s on the inside too” spill, “hot” is just such an unoriginal word. I’m pretty sure it was one of the second invented by Adam and Eve after God showed them how to make small fires to cook their non-forbidden fruit. So if you really want to impress a lady with your fine mind and smooth charm, invent a word. “Wow, you’re looking so beautastic today.” (beautifully fantastic) Or make a poetic analogy. “You are sunshine to my rainy heart.” Or jack one from the Bible. “I compare you, my love, to a mare among Pharaoh’s chariots.” Be creative. She (or he) will find that much more attractive than you comparing her (or his) attractiveness to fire, a devastating house-ruiner.

2. Usually, we really like to ride with the windows down, but… If a girl has taken effort to make her hair look presentable, please don’t ruin that effect by creating winds of 80 MPH. If you are unsure if a girl has fixed her hair or not, and therefore are unsure whether or not it’s acceptable to roll- down the windows, just turn-on the air conditioning. You can hang your head out of the window like Benji after you drop her off. But it’s quite inconsiderate to ride with the windows down if her hair is fixed. If you do this, it’s quite possible that she will think you think her hair can’t get any messier. Or that you don’t notice that her hair is pretty. Or that you think she smells bad. Or that you think you smell bad. Also, rolling the windows down to just stick-out your arm makes her feel like you don’t have enough space (because she’s taking up so much) and inadvertently imply that she is fat. Does that sound like a situation you want with any woman in your vehicle? Just say no to rolling down the windows.

3. We like it when you talk about us to your friends and when you can accurately describe us to anyone really, but… A girl is not to be described using geometric shapes or non-geometric shapes. A girl is not a triangle, a square, or a circle. Pointy, boxy, and round should be adjectives taken out of your vocabulary. The English language alone has pages and pages of thesauruses devoted to words besides these. Use them.

4. We appreciate it when you give us space and admire us for our bravery, but… Generally, girls are not Chuck Norrises. (Yes, we just pluralized Chuck Norris.) Don’t leave a girl at an empty building if she has just told you she doesn’t have her keys. Don’t let a girl walk into a dark building alone. Don’t let a girl walk around in the dark by herself. Just girls doing manly things alone in the dark shouldn’t be allowed.We may not be scared, but when it comes to dark buildings, it’s not us you really have to be worried about, it’s the rest of the insane human population that might be waiting for us in the dark. So please kindly remember, a gentleman never walks towards the light when a lady walks into the dark.

5. Ladies aren’t usually raised to be the next Bob Villa, so… Firstly, it is often difficult for us to acknowledge our limits, so if we even subtly mention that there might be a problem with some form of large machinery (i.e. refrigerators, cars, blenders, etc.), you should take note. Secondly, when we ask for help, please do not act like we are incompetent for not knowing the precise function of a fuel filter. We don’t think you’re incompetent for not knowing how to crochet and make chicken spaghetti. Thirdly, if you do help us and we’re trying to help you help us, don’t get scary and frustrated. If we haven’t changed the air filter in a while, and it looks like all we could have possibly be breathing in for the past three months is asbestos and dust from 1956, then teach us how to prevent this from happening in the future. If you explode, we’ll never ask for your help again, and we’ll continue to rot our lungs and let our refrigerators leak gallons a day.

6. The fastest way to a man’s heart may be through his stomach, but there are rules on that route of love. Don’t assume that we can cook everything your mother can cook. But also don’t assume that no one can ever cook as well as your mother. Different families have different recipes. Different people have different preferences. It may not be exactly how your mama makes it, but it doesn’t mean it’s not edible. It also doesn’t mean you need to list the differences between the way this tastes and the way whatever your mom makes tastes. Don’t create unnecessary competition between the ladies in your life. You’ll probably end up hungry.

7 It’s not just food… Don’t compare a lady to your ex-girlfriend, your sister, your mother, your grandmother, or you best guy-pal. It’s alright to say something like, “You like tomatoes?! So does my great-great-auntie Paulie!” But statements like “You smile just like my ex-girlfriend. Man, I can’t stand her.” or “You always dress like my grandmother.” or “You don’t think I should cut my hair? You sound just like my mother.” It’s not that these statements are bad. It’s just that we often don’t know how to respond, so they’re conversation killers. Really. As in RIP further discussion about anything important.

8.We don’t expect you to notice when we get 1/8th of an inch cut off of our hair, but please… Notice something. And tell us that you’ve noticed. It’s not really noticing without sharing. That’s the difference between thinking and noticing. You think to yourself. You notice to someone else. Say something about what you’re thinking. You saying, “There’s something different about you…” is anti-complimentary. It’s like saying “whatever you did is so minute that it’s not worth noticing.” On the same note, don’t be surprised if we look pretty. When we look pretty, tell us. When we don’t, don’t tell us. Unless we specifically ask about a specific article of clothing or piece of hair, just play it safe and say, “I always think you look great.” or a simple “You look nice.” Do not say “It always looks like that.” if she’s asking you about a hair that she knows is sticking straight up. Then she’ll know you either don’t notice, don’t care about how she looks, or are a big fat liar. If you want to be safe, notice something… Anything. Tell her you like her watch. Tell her you like her mittens. Tell her you are glad her shoes fit. Trust us, she’ll just be glad you noticed something.

9. You want to know how to win a girls heart? Here’s the key: Remember. Anything. If you want to be good friend material, remember specific stuff she says like the fact that she’s deathly allergic to popcorn or that her favorite cat died when she was seven and now she can’t stand to be around cats because they make her cry so hard that she has asthma attacks and passes out. We aren’t asking for tough stuff here. Just remember really important things. We aren’t expecting a memorization of our family tree, or a run-down of every bone we’ve broken or bruised, or a small list of possible names for a baby duck we hope to find one day. Not even birthdays or big events. Pick one thing to remember, and then remind her that you remember it. It’ll make her feel special. If you really want to be a good friend, remember two or three specific things about her. Like the fact she eats cheese sparingly, or that her sister’s name is Bubs, or that she has a weird obsession with yarn.

10. Please, someone, explain to us this great mystery: Do male humans experience spontaneous blindness as soon as they open a refrigerator? Once Upon a Time in a magical land called Reality, there was a fair Female Human and a Dashing Male Human. These humans decided to partake in the glorious fine dining of Kraft Blue Box Macaroni and Cheese. So after a Kroger run for that blessed blue box, a gallon of 2%, and some margarine, the Human duo work vigorously to fix a meal fit for an Emperor (possibly named Kusko, we are unsure of the exact title of the hypothetical emperor).  And this is where our story begins. Female Human: “Next, we add milk.” Male Human: “Ok, cool.” (opens refrigerator door, is suddenly overwhelmed with the inability to find anything) FH: Did you find it? It should be in the door.” MH: (shuffles stuff around, sounds very productive, as if he’s on a small expadition in the crisper drawer (I bet some of you didn’t even know there was such a thing as a crisper drawer before reading this blog)) “Ummmm Nope. I think you must be out.” The End. Why does that happen? Is it some phenomenon that occurs to males in the presence of refrigerators? We think this might be a more extensive problem. Though the research is less ground-breaking in this field of spontaneous blindness, it has been observed that men exhibit the same symptoms when looking for wallets, items in a woman’s purse, diapers, subtle clues about birthday wishes. In conclusion, this does not mean men are dumb or illogical. But they do suffer from this Refrigerator Blindness. We believe the male species should be required to take a “How to Effectively Rummage Through a Refrigerator 101″ with their written driver’s test or with the ACT/SAT. This would eliminate a lot of miscommunication.

We’re glad you joined us on this small exposition of communication and miscommunication. If you have a more thorough list you’d like to share with us, please do that. We can be reached via fax and telepathy. Also via walkie-talkie and smoke signals. We also appreciate well folded notes. Anyway, we’d love to hear from you and how you’re putting all of this fabulous advice to good use.

How to snatch up a man without him even realizing it: From “hello” to “I do” in 12 months: Months 7- 12

Recap: Because for most people matchmaking is not so effective, we’ve devised a simple plan to go from “hello” to “I do” in twelve months.

Month seven: Go out in public by yourselves. You’re engaged and you want to show off the ring and maybe spend a little bit of time getting to know your IFS a little bit better. You should convince him to consider going out for ice cream or coffee. We’re partial to Bop’s Chocolate Raspberry Concrete and Strange Brew’s Albino Squirrel. If you want to take it a step further, you could even go for something a little more committal like dinner and a movie. Yes, you now have permission to take the Identified Future Spouse To Whom You Are Engaged (IFSTWYAE for short, or IFS for shorter) to see a movie. Because you’ve known your IFS for a whole seven months, you might be running out of things to talk about. This is why it is acceptable to go see a movie. Nothing to intense. Nothing too lovey-dovey. Not too much blood. But maybe something slightly to mildly terrifying so you can make him start thinking about holding your hand.

Month eight: Hand-holding. Give your IFS every opportunity to hold your hand. Do not be a Tense Tilly and keep your hands folded in your lap. Dangle them at your side in a ladylike fashion. If the movie incident was not enough to convince him he needs to hold your hand, find creative ways to draw attention to your hand. Slam it in a car door. Paint your nails. Pretend to lose your engagement ring. (Note: Do not actually do this. This would be slightly/severely tragic and might set the 12 month plan back a few years.) Use them to illustrate your stories. Lightly poke him in the eye accidentally. Compare the size of your hands. Make Yoda’s head. Make shadow puppets. Get your finger stuck in a drain. The protector in him will want to keep you safe. And since your hands are a part of you, he will realize that the safest place for your hands are in his. This should be inspiration:

Month nine: Seek counseling. Books by Josh Harris or Gary Chapman, and movies like Fireproof are very helpful tools. But actual human beings that can talk specifically to you and look you and your IFS in the eyes are even better sources of wisdom. Find someone objective and smart like a pastor, or a counselor, a couple in your church that’s been married over 30 years, or someone that wears glasses. In this case, it is not as wise to seek help from his roommate. Because, chances are, his roommate is single. (Single as in NOT MARRIED. We would never question whether the roommate has game. However, just a reminder, never bring up the relationship status of the roommate to the roommate or your IFS. Because it might convince them that they want to stay together in blissful brotastic singleness. And this would be anti-helpful to your snatching up a man in twelve months.) Anyway, if your IFS’s roommate is not married, then he is probably not a very reliable source of marital wisdom. You can learn as much from The Duggers  and Real Housewives about marriage as you can from someone not married. (Not that we don’t like the Duggers. We do. We’re fans of population. We just think they’re a little busy at the moment and don’t really have time to give pre-marital counseling. We’re emphasizing the need for real-life meetings.) Marriage counseling is generally more effective coming from the mouth of a human being who is actually married to another human being.

Month ten: Take time out of addressing invitations to celebrate an anniversary. You’ve known each other a whole ten months now, and that’s quite monumental. And, you’ve been engaged for four whole months. That is certainly something to be celebrated. Consider giving your IFS a gift to memorialize this occasion.  Consider giving something useful like a bracelet, or a plunger, or a puppy. Whatever you get, name it. Name it something sweet and sentimental. After all, it will be a symbol of your strong forever love. Choosing a name for this gift, especially if it is actually breathing like a puppy or a kitten or a bearded dragon, is practice for when you are selecting names for your future children. However, practicing naming on an inanimate object is almost just as effective and life-alteringly precious. Names should be symbolic. If you have a mutual love for M*A*S*H, then name it “Hot Lips.” If you both enjoy tennis, “Serena” is a perfect option. If you both enjoy interior decorating, then a name like “Interior” might better suit your gift. However, if it is a living, breathing animal present, then be sure to spell the name right on the tag for the collar. Poor little “Inferior” will have self-esteem issues from bullying in the litter box. Also, accidentally naming your first pet “Inferior” does not bode well for the rest of your relationship.

Month eleven: Have a shower. No, you don’t stink. Well, you might. We have no idea what you smell like. However, we do know you’ll enjoy this kind of shower even if you’re a man. This shower doesn’t involve water or soap. It involves presents. Wedding showers are not showers of weddings. They would be better termed Present Showers. Or Parties Where Everyone Gives You Exactly What You Asked For (PWEGYEWYAF). In case you are unfamiliar with PWEGYEWYAFs, this is how they work. You make a list of everything you want/ need/ your mother-in-law says you need, and then you go to places like Dillard’s,  JP’s Gifts and Trinkets, IKEA, and Target and give them the list. Now when your third cousin seven times removed goes to get you a gift, you don’t end up with serving platters shaped like woodland creatures. If all goes as planned, and people stick to the lists, you get a fabulous collection of Fiestaware and KitchenAid that you will actually use. Then, you actually have a PWEGYEWYAF. Sometimes there are multiple PWEGYEWYAFs per wedding. Most usually involves cute little finger foods and lots of women oooing and awwing over pictures and sweet stories of your love. Sometimes your IFS has to be there. It is best to give him a pep talk before the event because he is going to be surrounded by lots of estrogen and opening gifts that aren’t surprises but he has to act surprised. Give him “acting surprised” lessons. Train him like you trained yourself before he proposed. A PWEGYEWYAF usually reminds a couple that they are now adults because they have to open presents that aren’t surprises. However, when you open a gift at a PWEGYEWYAF, you must look as shocked and surprised and excited as if the giver read your mind and picked out EXACTLY what you wanted/ needed. The incident may go something like this:  (IFS opens gift)     You: What is it?/     IFS: It’s a vacuum cleaner… I mean, what a fantastic vacuum cleaner! I can’t believe you thought to get us just what we asked for… (you kick him)… I mean just what we needed!/       (Pick up next gift. You unwrap it.)      You: Oh, look, honey! It’s a toaster oven!/     Great Aunt Myrtle: And there’s a lamp in there too, deary!/     You: Oh, thank you so much Aunt Myrtle! We are so blessed we have everything we need for…/      IFS: A Brave Little Toaster reunion… (you kick him again)

End of month eleven/month twelve: Consider eloping. Invitations, PWEGYEWYAF, marriage counseling, Great Aunt Myrtle, hand holding, and puppies may have you so tired by this point that you want to just skip the whole big ordeal and just head to the courthouse. And you just can’t wait to get married!! Try to convince your IFS to call the whole wedding thing off and take the plunge two weeks early. Bake his roommate a pie. You need him to be on-board with this small plan. Remind your IFS that he will have to wear a suit and tie at the wedding. If he responds with something about really looking forward to looking like James Bond, think of something else. Bring up money. Weddings are expensive. Tell him you want to save the money from the wedding to put towards adopting a child, or buying a house, or building an outdoor facility for endangered lemurs. If he says it’s too late to get any money back, tell him you have to have your tonsils out on the day of your wedding. If he tells you to reschedule your small surgery, remind him that baseball’s opening day is the day after your wedding. And he will have to choose between you and Zach Britton. If he still doesn’t want to elope, then start making lists of things you need to do for the wedding.

Month twelve: Make a list, and check it twice, like Santa. You need to make a list of things to do before the wedding. You want it to be smooth, like butter. Plan things like hugging your mother, going to the bathroom, tanning, crying, hand holding, feeding Inferior, and writing Great Aunt Myrtle a thank-you for the toaster and lamp. Make sure the minister officiating the wedding knows not to say “mate” or “partner” during the ceremony unless he’s from Australia or his name is John Wayne. Bake your IFS’s roommate a pie. You need him to be on his best behavior at least until the ceremony is over. Make sure you have a marriage license. Make sure your dress still fits. Make sure your flower girl knows what it means to “sprinkle” the petals like a fairy. A wedding is no place for a Cathy the Carnation Chunker. Make sure you charge your cell phone. Make sure you brush your teeth. Make sure the musicians remember you requested Dario Marianelli’s “Mrs. Darcy” for the precession and Natalie Cole’s “This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)” for the recession. Make sure your sister knows that she better stick to the script for her dramatic reading. Squash all of her attempts read the lyrics to Beyonce’s “Crazy in Love.” Help her practice reciting 1 John 4:7-19. Be pro-active and lead a crusade against your sisters’ and your IFS’s siblings/roommate clever plans to prank you and your IFS. A wedding is no place for a Peter Prankster either. Now, you’re ready. Walk down the isle to your previously and meticulously selected music. Cringe when your sister throws a Beyonce line in before John 4. Hold hands like you’ve been practicing. Say “I do.” And let him kiss you. Congratulations, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Higgenbottom McJackson.

Month thirteen: Congratulate yourself on pulling off a man-heist. You just snatched up a man in twelve months without him even realizing it. You, my friend, have just gone from sharing a pencil to sharing a last name.

We want to hear your success stories!! If you’ve gone from “hello” to “I do” in twelve months, we want to know! We also want an invitation to your wedding. And eternal credit for your love.

How to snatch up a man without him even realizing it: From “hello” to “I do” in 12 months

Disclaimer: This is the first of two posts. This post covers months one through six of the twelve month plan to snatch up a man without him even realizing it. If you are planning on snatching up a man in the near future, or if you are already in month six of this plan, don’t despair. We will post months seven through twelve soon.

Recently, Kimberly and Rachael read a fabulous bit of Christian marriage/dating/relationship propaganda (Article found here http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001598.cfm ). We determined that the article was just not very practical or enticing. So we’ve decided to put together our small 12 month plan to go from sharing a pencil to sharing a last name. If you’re a man, just swap the “he” for “she” and add a dash of assertive manliness and do it all wearing a baseball cap and you’ll be fine. Since we fully expect a wave of engagements in the near future, we’ve compiled a list of caterers, dog groomers, and venues that we will gladly share via email. We’re here for all your wedding planning needs. Just call us the love fairies.

Month one: Locate a potential spouse.  For us that would be a male, or two males rather, one for each of us.  Look around there might be a potential spouse sitting near you right now.  Maybe he’s in your biology or business calculus class. Maybe he was on the treadmill beside you this morning. Or in the sandwich line behind you at Perry. Maybe he was the jerk tailgating you on the way to the Commuter East parking lot this morning. That’s right. The perfect human spouse specimen could be anywhere. You just have to locate him. After the location of your future spouse, use the rest of this month to observe and learn about him. Consider investing in binoculars and getting to know his roommate. Borrow his phone to “call the phone you misplaced,” and see who he lists as his ICE contacts. If his mother is listed first, you’ll know he’s a family man. If his sister is listed first, that’s a little weird. And if his roommate is listed first, well, start cooking. The way to a roommate’s heart is through brownies and such. Boys are quite stomach driven. Make a small list of observations in the back of your planner. You never know when you’ll need to bust out a random piece of “future spouse data.”

Month two: Make contact with the IFS, or identified future spouse. This requires getting his attention creatively. Carry something humongous that will prompt him to rush to your side to assist. Get him to teach you how to parallel park or work a transistor radio. Take a boyish class like calculus or physics. Fall down a small flight of stairs and brake your shin. Leave your glasses at a known man hangout. Pretend you don’t know how to write or read. Leave a pet on the top of his vehicle. Bake four dozen cupcakes. Sit down and cry somewhere where you know he will find you. Not too many tears. You don’t want to scare him away. But just enough to make him want to fix the world. Then, Facebook friend him. Convince him he needs your number. Tell him how funny you are and make him realize he needs to follow you on Twitter and read your blog.

Month three: Hang out in real life in a group. Ask him to go with you to a public affair such as Barn Party, or the MSU choir concert, or to the art show. Convince everyone of what a cute couple you are by making sure you are in every picture together. Maybe they’ll all be put on Facebook and tagged immediately so that even his relatives living in Nebraska can see and comment on the adorableness of your budding love. Take off your “single” relationship status. Don’t put “in a relationship” yet. Just make him see you’re not committed to being single. That’ll get his attention for sure. And it’ll start making him think about how empty your Facebook looks without a relationship status to fill it. And eventually that will transfer to how empty your finger looks without a ring on it.

Month four: Hang out in real life without a group. Convince him to ask you to go out by yourselves. This outing can be anything from ENOing and a picnic to Stromboli’s and kite flying to ballroom dance lessons on Sunday afternoons. Never a movie. That isn’t allowed until at least month six or seven. Go somewhere where you can ask a lot of questions about his childhood. Be sure to remember everything. His genes will inhabit your future children, you know. Discuss deal maker/breaker things like how he feels about Elisabeth Elliot, adoption, martyrdom, One Tree Hill, Special K, and tobacco.

Month five: Meet the parents. And the grandparents. And the pesky little brothers and sisters. And the dog. And the fish. Basically, anything near and dear to this fellow, you need to meet. From his mother you can find out what he likes on his sandwiches and the day of his birth. From his father you can learn about his first fishing experience. From his grandmother you can learn his favorite books and colors and grades on his fourth grade history tests. From his grandfather you can determine whether your fellow will bald prematurely. From his sister you can tell whether or not he is conscious of all women’s well-being, or just yours. And from his brother you can observe how he handles the trying of his patience and how good he was at Pokemon. Before he meets your family, do not tell your family what they should and shouldn’t do or say when Mr. Right comes to call. This will only ensure that something will be said that will mortify you and your future husband. Take simple precautions by removing all knives from the premises, punching your sister in the vocal chords, and making your mother promise your sisters that they will be severely punished if they bite the guest. If there is a man willing to marry you without meeting your family, you might want to consider taking him up on it if your family scores higher than a forty- seven on the “Are We The Craziest Family You Know?” quiz.

Month six: Practice looking surprised for the moment he drops to one knee. While you’re waiting for him to propose, practice this face in several mirrors in several different types of lighting at different times of the day. If you think there might be cameras, be prepared and wear make-up and brush your hair everyday until the proposal. Practice with your roommate. Make it a competition. See who has the best “I’m so shocked you love me and want to marry me” face. The winner gets to keep the gum-ball machine ring you’ve been practicing wearing. Now is almost too late to practice writing your name with his. You need to make sure it’s going to be able to be centered on the invitations. Everyone hates it when wedding invitations and checks and cell phone bills have unbalanced names on them. Be thinking about colors for the reception. And find a kitchen table where you can imagine having breakfast with him. Everyone needs a good kitchen table. Call the newspapers. Have them ready to run the engagement story. Bake his roommate a pie because he’s undoubtedly in on “Operation Getting Hitched.” It’s best to have alliances on that side of the deal. When your IFS finally pops the question, even if it’s three months after you thought he should’ve, say “yes” excitedly and remember to put to use your surprised face. Call your parents while you’re changing your Facebook relationship status. Prepare yourself for the influx of “awwwwww how sweet” comments to follow. Charge your phone. You might have a lot of explaining to do with the friends you haven’t seen in six months.

Special thanks to The Guidebook for the Young Man About Town, Seventeen’s Guide to Your Widening World, Bobbie Jo Smith, The Annex Boulder’s YouTube videos, and God for epic and invaluable life experience.

TYMCTBPS: Part 1

College is the place where you think of something that sounds really fun, resourceful, inventive, and perhaps cheaper than the usual methods, and then you try it. Sometimes you try these brilliant ideas with others. Sometimes you try them in front of others. Sometimes you try them in the safety of your own room so that if the brilliant plan turns out to be not so brilliant, no one will ever have to know unless you singe off your eyebrows or lose a limb or something dramatic.

This is a list dedicated to things you might consider trying but probably shouldn’t. Or TYMCTBPS. Kimberly and Rachael are speaking from first hand experience and passing on wisdom from other poor inventive students that have tried this junk. If you have some to add, holla at us and they may make part two or part three of the TYMCTBPS series.

1. Waxing your eyebrows with masking tape. It’s not an epic fail. It is partially effective. However, it is COMPLETELY painful and you might possibly have an allergic reaction to the glue since its so very close to your eyes. Also, you run the risk of ripping off half your eyelashes. Also, the agony may make you late for Spanish.

2. Using Elmer’s glue for styling gel instead of just splurging on Pantene. Though much cheaper (87 cents versus 4 bucks), it might result in a) smelling like a first grade classroom. b) getting leaves and bugs and pine-cones stuck on your hair on your way to Hilbun. c) making your hair so greasy you’re mistaken for a Hanson brother or Edward Cullen. d) clogging up drains. e) having to mix paint-thinner with your shampoo.

3. Making your own blemish buster with toothpaste, Windex, and lemons. So even if you can swipe a lemon from Perry, and if you can talk a sweet janitor lady into giving you a few squirts of window cleaner (they get real uptight when you ask for a whole bottle), this is still not a good idea. It’s nearly impossible to get the right amounts of everything. And then you put it on your face. And then you scream so much you wake up your neighbors. And then you want to rip your face off and so do your neighbors. So now, you still have acne, you have a janitor that thinks you might be brewing meth, and you have neighbors that want to punch you in the head. Save yourself some heartache by investing in Neutrogena grapefruit scrub.

4. Conducting physics experiments with pumpkins, an open third story window, matches, hair spray, and pine-straw. Housing doesn’t care if it was in the interest of science. If you set your dorm on fire with a pumpkin, you’ll probably go to jail. And MSU will ban fall and pumpkins and cornucopias and pilgrims. And I do dearly love pilgrims.

5. ENOing in the library. This is quite relaxing and security actually thinks its amusing and just come over and look at you strangely while you are sleeping between 2 library pillars.

6. ENOing in a stairwell. Gravity hates most human beings. Tuition is expensive enough. Don’t add to your financial woes by tacking-on a hospital bill.

7. Reenacting Custer’s last stand/the stampede scene from the Lion King/ hunks of Jurassic Park in the Union in front of an orientation group. If this had happened when we had taken our tours, we would have been sold immediately. I don’t know why Orientation Leaders get so uptight about this sort of thing.

8. Pretending you don’t speak English. This is especially effective when you’re trying to get to class on time and all anyone on the Drill Field wants to do is keep you from getting to where you’re going. You, as a candidate for SA, want to serve me? Then let me get to class or I’m going to pretend I only speak Russian. And I’m going to ask you, in broken English, how you plan to serve the Russian student population. That’s right. Just give me your sticker and let me get to Partial Differential Equations. The only downside to this is that you might have a class with one of these jokers later in your college career. Or you might even need a favor from one of them. And they think you’re Russian. Or they think you’re schizophrenic.

9. Leaving mysterious/ creepy/ borderline stalkerish notes on someone’s car. It may be a genuine message of endearment, but if you add flowers that becomes genuine grounds to call 911.

10. Beaver hunting in the ditches by the intramural fields. Sometimes humans like police officers get really concerned when they see an empty car by a ditch. They might even think you’re dead. Then they might call your parents and visit your roommate. Then you might have to explain you were just helping out with the university’s pest-control issues.

11. Roof-hopping/ climbing the Jumbotron. If done with stealth, this can be a fun and family friendly adventure. However, most freshmen won’t take Stealth 101 and 102 until their junior year (summer course being taught by Daniel Voss. Registration is limited so sign up now.), so they have no business being on top of a building.

12. Dying your hair during exam week. You might turn out looking like Cruella DeVille

13. Letting people video you singing after you’ve pulled 3 all-nighters in a row and are living on 20 minute naps and coffee. Save yourself embarrassment. Establish an exam week buddy system.

14. Going to Wal-Mart in Starkville on move-in day. Don’t. do. this. ever. You can go without whatever you think you need for a few days.

15. Pretending to be a pirate in the post office. Another one of those things that will make people want to call the police.

16. Trying to mail a cucumber. Even if you have the appropriate postage and a return address, the humans at the US Postal Service will refuse to mail your cucumber.

17. Convincing people they’ve met people that they definitely have not. If they ever find out that you tricked them, you lose your credibility. Save your lies for something more worthwhile.

18. Not dropping a class because the guy that sits beside you is adorable. Your GPA will thank you if you just walk away from Mr. McDreamy on the third row of your physical science class after the professor announces the final is cumulative.

19. Telling people you don’t have a sister. This just leads to awkwardness when she shows up to visit for the weekend or these people come home with you for Fall Break.

20. Trying to cook vegetables you tried in another country for other people. This has great potential to fail. It doesn’t matter if you’re Rachael Ray or Antonio Banderas, cooking fiascoes happen.

21. Trying to start an herb garden in the window of you dorm room. If your roommate refers to your rosemary or aloe as “your weeds,” humans, like your RA, might think you’re growing illegal drugs on your windowsill.

22. Drying your hair with a hand dryer in the women’s bathroom. Fire happens. It should not happen to your hair. Don’t let it. Dry your hair with a real hairdryer or be prepared to have the new gangsta name of Lil Singe.

23. Using sketchy public transportation. When trying to obtain internet in another country after a typhoon, do not try to go to the capital on a bus.  Instead of being a one hour journey, it will be extended to a three hour escapade one way.  Then do not get off the bus in a minuscule town right before dark and try to return home (2 hours away) when you don’t speak the same language as anyone else and don’t have a translator with you.

24. Not being a better pranker. If you’re going to prank, go all out. And make sure you have one more trick than the other guy. Also, make sure you’re on Brian Reid’s side.

25. Double-crossing your pranking team. This might lead to death, or at the very least, loss of limb. Especially if Kimberly is the one you double-crossed.

26. Burning pancakes/ setting off the fire alarm on a Saturday morning. Do this only if you want to be hated. Also, don’t try to swim against traffic coming down the stairs. Stashing the melted spatula and blackened pan in your room is not worth the dirty looks from all 300 girls that live in your building. Anna Campbell is teaching a How to Not Burn Pancakes 101 class in the fall.

27. Avoiding sleep.  Pulling 2 all nighters in 3 days and getting 7 total hours of sleep will not only leave you really tired, but it also might give you a fever. Its just not good for your health. Or the sanity of your roommate.

28. Ordering a quadruple shot espresso in your white chocolate mocha. Again, this is not good for your health or the sanity of your roommate.

29. Microwaving food with the microwave door open.  Letting Microwave rays come in all over your room is not good for you or your fish, and your food will not warm up this way.

How exactly do you break spring?

Rachael and Kimberly love spring. They love the flowers. They love the wrapping up of basketball insanity because it improves parking on campus. They love the Easter candy even when it makes them (more Rachael than Kimberly) too fluffy to fit into fabulous dresses. They love that it’s finally warm enough to wear dresses. They love throwing wide the windows of 311B. They love riding with the windows rolled down on the way to Bops. They love the way the air smells like grass. They love that when it rains in spring, it’s not sticky like summer rain, or painfully cold like winter rain; spring rain, even if it’s a bit chilly, grows stuff. They also love spring break.

Spring break. After the plants, and fish (poor Capote had a temporary habitat consisting of a jar and water), and books, and scarves, and  muffin mix, and clothes were packed, Kimberly headed to North Carolina and Rachael, well, she jumped in a car with a tall, dark, handsome man and took off for Toledo. Just kidding. She went to north Alabama for a mission trip.

Kimberly has been on the beach of North Carolina this week.  She was able to see her parents and Christine, her cousin, and Christine’s friend Samantha. It was all rather thrilling. And it all started in an airport.

Kimberly’s flight was delayed so she spent an excessive amount of time in the ATL airport. There, she did her homework for the next month. She also caught up on sleep, bought koolaid from a kid charging highly inflated prices in the neighborhood, watched Star Wars (finally. Rachael had wasted many a Yoda joke on her…). She also saw several lighthouses (including the tallest one in North America), the place where the Wright Brother’s first took flight and learning all about it (Hooray for aviation. Shout out to our aerospace friends), watched UP, played frisbee on the beach and watched people surf in the freezing water. She was going to play frisbee from dock, but retreated because it was cold and raining. She also enjoyed the gigantic full moon and blooming azaleas with her Grandmother.

Rachael took a road-trip with a group of boys for a mission trip to north Alabama. The group went straight from Starkville to Huntsville and hung out ALL NIGHT with about one hundred fifth and sixth graders. They prayer walked a lot. They also had the opportunity to worship with an incredible group of 20 somethings at Westmeade Baptist Church.  The group consisted of five completely different individuals. They did a lot of work in which results may not be seen on this side of Heaven. However, they trust the Lord used them. They learned a lot about prayer, love, and unity. The rest of the week, Rachael had bonding time with the Lady (some people call this relative my mother), Bubs (sometimes affectionately known as Bobbie Jo), and her Aunt Mimi. She got to sew a lot and was basically a bum. It was quite glorious.

One of the best parts of our Spring Break was discovering this video:

Domestication

Today, Rachael made a bed, made brownies, vacuumed, watered flowers, sewed a skirt and part of an apron, fed a fish, fed herself, went to all of her classes in a relatively timely fashion, and planned and taught a Bible study. She also considered doing homework. (When it comes to homework, she rather likes to employ that cliche “it’s the thought that counts.”) She felt quite accomplished by the end of the day. She was a Martha Stewart/ Rachael Ray/ Laura Ingalls Wilder/ Walker Texas Ranger combo. If she had built something, she could be a little bit like Bob Villa. There’s always tomorrow. Kimberly learned to crochet, finished a project, washed laundry, went to multiple meetings on time, and had a lengthy conversation with Josh Blake on Mr. Bell’s newfangled talky invention. She also analyzed symptoms, diagnosed, and informed a patient of his lymph node doom (sorry Justin and Travis). She did all of this while wearing a floral cardigan. She was like Wonder Woman/ Mighty Mouse/ Bill Cosby/ Mr. Rogers all crammed into a tiny British body.

There’s some sort of feeling of success and accomplishment when one dabbles in domestication. Some might say it’s a woman’s place to do these things. Some might say the opposite and encourage us to flee from “traditional” feminine roles.  Either way, Rachael and Kimberly must be careful to not to find their worth in their production.

Domestication and being feminine have little to do with each other. Yes, baking, and feeding people, and sewing wearable articles of clothing, and vacuuming, and teaching, and growing stuff like flowers and fish, and going to class, and doing it all wearing fabulous heels makes Rachael feel like Laura Ingalls Wilder’s got nothing on her. But in those things, in the things she produces and the things she does, she cannot find her worth. Her worth is hidden in something so much greater. Something that has nothing to do with her physical ability or feeble intelligence.

Sarah was married to a man named Abraham. She encouraged Abraham to grow their family with her maidservant Hagar, and he did. Then Sarah became jealous of Hagar, and Hagar resented Sarah. Sarah was barren, but the Lord promised Abraham he would be the father of many nations and that Sarah would be the mother of many nations. Then Abraham was told again that Sarah would have a son. Sarah laughed because she was way past the age most people had children. But God was kind to Sarah, and gave her and Abraham a son named Isaac.

God’s faithfulness was not based on Sarah’s faithfulness. God’s kindness was not related to the kindness Sarah shared, or in relation to Hagar, didn’t share. God’s love was not contingent upon Sarah’s productivity. God’s promises were not reliant on Sarah’s trust in Him. From the very beginning, God was showing His perfection through His perfect love for an imperfect people. And His love has absolutely nothing to do with what we do.

Being feminine involves embracing who we, as ladies, were created to be. Discovering this takes a lot of searching the Scripture and learning of God’s character so that ours mirrors His. To be feminine does not mean to paint one’s nails pink, or have tea parties, or bake enough brownies to feed Custer’s army, or pester boys about their lymph nodes and impending doom of disease (sorry Justin and Travis). Domestication is a product of femininity. Not the other way around. Doing “woman” stuff does not make one a woman. A woman is drawn to do “woman” stuff, and there are definitely things that we like to do that have been termed “woman things” simply because we can often do them better than men (like looking up all the possible causes, symptoms, and treatments for lymph node problems and creating paranoia and hypochondriac-ism. Sorry Justin and Travis.).

At the end of the day, whether or not we’ve been domestic and productive or complete slobs, God’s love doesn’t change- even if one is a Rachael Ray/ Martha Stewart/ Laura Ingalls Wilder/ Walker Texas Ranger/ Bob Villa hybrid or a swell Wonder Woman/ Mighty Mouse/ Bill Cosby/ Mr. Rogers combo. Even if one is productive, she cannot do it alone. And if one is productive and does beneficial things for humanity, she cannot do it of her own strength and will and wisdom.

So dabble in domestication. Ah, what the heck? Marinate yourself in domestication. But ladies, don’t be afraid to be what you were created to be- feminine. And fellas you might have to endure a devastating lymph node diagnosis for the sake of femininity. A lady can’t be Bob Villa all the time, you know.

National Pancake Day/ MSU’s 133rd Birthday/ Rachael’s Birthday Eve

Today, in case you’ve been living under a rock and didn’t know, is National Pancake Day. So be sure to hug a pancake and tell him how much you’re glad he was invented. Show some real affection, and take a bite. Kimberly and Rachael were too busy today to celebrate properly by actually biting pancakes. And it wouldn’t be Pancake Day without Josh Blake, so National Pancake Day festivities have been postponed for The Vase until further notice.

Also, it’s Mississippi State’s birthday. In honor of this, we ate cake. And Rachael played Hail State on her kazoo for a frazzled looking television man. Kimberly overslept and ate candy for this event.

Most importantly it is Rachael’s Birthday Eve. Birthday Eves are almost as exciting as real birthdays because they’re filled with anticipation. Who will write on her facebook wall? Who will send a card to PO Box 4386, MS State, MS 39762 (yes, that is a shameless plea for a letter)? Who will remember that she happens to love cake? Who will even remember that she was born?

The absolute best part of Birthday Eve at the Smith house is the anticipation of the Happy Birthday calls EARLY in the morning. College is the place where you get a kick out of just about anything. Sometimes Rachael’s parents send her flowers, which is unnecessary, and frivolous, and absolutely stinking wonderful. At the Ward house, they get excited about birth too. They are kind of cake haters, but they are big believers in ice cream. Just last year, Kimberly’s dad shipped her ice cream from across the country. They are hardcore ice creamers. Also, they used to take off a whole week of school just for Kimberly’s birthday. This might be more impressive if they didn’t attend the Living Room Private School for Wards. But it’s still pretty nifty, nonetheless.

Flowers from the folks on Rachael's Birthday Eve!!

This Birthday Eve Rachael and Kimberly went to BSU and learned about God’s love. Then they talked a lot to people that are their friends. Then they went and had their room analyzed by Daniel Voss. Then Rachael brushed her teeth. Then they thought about the Bible with Daniel Voss. Then Kim ate some candy. Then they warmed up pasta and chicken and offered some to Daniel Voss. Then Rachael brushed her teeth. Then they discussed how Daniel Voss never eats their cooking. Then Kim ate some candy. Then Daniel Voss left. Then Rachael flossed her teeth. Then they talked about how glad they were that they had friends like Daniel Voss. Then Kim talked about brushing her teeth. Then they talked about how they should go to bed. Then Rachael flossed her teeth again. Then Kim actually brushed her teeth. Then they talked a lot more. So much so, that Rachael might be tired in the morning when that first Happy Birthday call comes in. And she might not even sleep tonight because she is so wired from Birthday Eve excitement and so excited about actual Birthday.

We aren’t sure when this post became an advocate for Birthday Eve awareness, but we aren’t sad that it did. So be aware of Birthday Eves and their rights. And also, tomorrow is Rachael’s Birth Awareness. So be sure to at least think about cake.

the Pooh/poo delima

College is the place we are learning to be proactive about miscommunication with people like boys.

I have no idea sometimes what makes boys tick. They are fascinating to me. I rarely know what they are going to like or dislike. I never know what they’re going to find weird or normal or just acceptable. But I do know what they think about sometimes.

Poop.

Boys REALLY like poop. They like to compare stuff to poop. If they misunderstand something someone, even a girl, says, they instantly replace the misunderstood/not quite audible word with something in the poop family. Today, I was trying to compare a MASSIVE kite made from a tarp and some crepe myrtle branches to Pooh’s after-school project. Most girls instantly get a mental image of a sweet, story-time character trying to fly a homemade kite with his forest friends. However, a boy who was listening to about 2/9 of the words coming out of my mouth clung to one word. That word was Pooh. Or rather, poo. In his mind, I had personified a bowel movement. I don’t know if I should feel honored to have moved up in the ranks of his mind for referencing doodoo, or if  I should be horrified that he doesn’t recognize what a dignified lady I am. (Because dignified ladies would never even think about referencing poop. Everyone knows ladies don’t poop.) By the end of the conversation, it was clear to us girls in the room that something had been misunderstood. It never even occurred to the boys that I might not have been thinking about poop.

I learned a valuable lesson. If I, a female person, am trying to communicate with a boy human, I need to be very clear about when I am talking about bears and when I am talking about doodoo. I need to plan for any possible way my description of anything, specifically kites and kittens and muffins, can be misconstrued into a description of dung, or apple sauce, or yodeling.

Like poo, miscommunication stinks. But it is kind of funny.

This one’s for Capote

In honor of the Grammy’s we’d like to take a moment to thank those who made this blog possible. Winning “Mascot Of The Vase” goes to Capote, the traveling beta with attitude. The “Best Blanket Fort Contributor” is shared between Anna Campbell and Brian Reid. Taking home the “Mr. Fix-It” AND the “I’ll Hang Out Even If Your Room Is A Mess” award is Daniel Voss. Masey Smith gets the “Most Likely To Pop-In At Any Moment” and the “Most Likely To Steal Cookies” award. Bobbie Jo Smith gets the “Most Likely to Find Husbands for the Wildflowers” award. And Emily Ward will have a nice “Most Likely to Tell It How It Is” award to put on her mantle. If you come visit our room, you too might get an award.

We really are excited to FINALLY have this blog. (Probably Rachael more than Kimberly…) Rachael stopped drinking caffeine this week and needs a new, productive, healthy habit. This blog might just be that remedy. To come will be our experiences with experimental cooking, kite-flying, blanket-fort building, fish- raising, dish washing, standing on two legs, sewing quilts and aprons, observing odd behavior of humanity, referencing Laura Ingalls Wilder, discovering new favorite mathematical theorems, listening/making weird music, eating excessive amounts of mint chocolate chip ice cream, quoting random conversations and obscure movies, painting, vacuuming, hammocking, finding clothes that match, forgetting to stop sleeping before 8AM classes, and loving people for being human.

We hope to never bore you with our stories or thoughts. We think we’re too hilarious to be kept inside these four walls. Other people think we’re too hilarious to go out in public. We’ll let you be the judge. Stay tuned. We might just post something great.